Long day in school

Mentally breakdown last night but luckily I got ah B to really cheer me up with his singing.

Morning lesson for today at 8am and right now it is 8:03pm and I am still on my way home from school. Year 2 really sux alot but I can't wait to go poly!! Reason why I say year 2 sux a lot: firstly, it was the teacher who always not encouraging and supporting us in studies! Really hate that a lot. Secondly, it was the classmate that I am having now. Some are really annoying!

From the start of year 2, I just feel like sleeping and sleeping and sleeping in class. Totally can't stay awake even though I am not tired. Thinking if the teacher had casted sleeping mood on me. LOL.

Definitely not forgetting this morning! A uncle that seriously spoilt mood. He really stink like shit! All I can say is I almost faint and vomit. Damn shitty manzxc! But the poor thing is he sit beside ah B! Can't imagine now! Don't wanna get vomit!

Shall skip lesson thingy but I am not going to skip SC meeting for making carnival thing today. It was damn funny manzxc! Doing a station game all by my own because it was my idea for designing. I am just so so so tired now! Somemore I am bombed with alot of work! Gonna finish it later.

Holiday tmr ! But what is the event for tmr? I really no idea because ah B totally haven plan it yet. I really don't feel like staying at home tmr. So please, bring me out!


Collapsing soon.

Over STRESS.

Well, skipped yesterday post once again. Because i went back home very late somemore there is school this morning. Therefore, skipped it.

Anyway, yesterday went to ah B award ceremony. The world is just too small. Sawed Benjamin Ang too. One of our childhood friend too. Was so jealous that ah B got the EARGLES award. I WANT ALSO LAH! Shall use my own ability to take it! So, this is how i spend my sunday. Home > Yishun South CC > 2nd Home > Home.

Today, wasn't in the mood at all. I am really really damn stress now that no one can really understand. School Exam, Family and the last thing i really don't want to mention it at all. At now, i couldn't treat it as nothing happen at all. I know now maybe still have but what's the point deleting after the whole thing? Just suddenly, i feel that my heart is totally dead. I got no energy for anything at all. I can't smile for the whole morning. Or should i say the whole day? I am really really very sad. Somemore that is the first thing that happen in the morning. After i reach school, got caught for hair again. Why must everything happened straight in a day? It is really tiring you know?

That's not the end. Ended school, went home and have the same thing happened once again at home. Why must they see until so important? I really don't understand lah! Seriously, that really sux! They just couldn't understand!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went for movie: Iron man 3 with ah B. And now, back to the 2nd home.  Shall stop typing because this boy cannot stop looking at this!! >.<

Surprise #1

As i had mention in my previous post that i had something more important to get before i save for my other thing right? I had success buying that earlier than a day! That was a shoe for ah B as a gift for our 2nd anniversary. I know, old people say that buying shoe for people was to send them people away. Actually i don't really believe but in the end, i still took $2 from ah B! Just for in case only lah.

Was quite happy to see this boy so happy with the gift i bought for him. Though it is abit too expensive but that doesn't matter because what matter me the most is the smile on his face. I really like him to be happy. So, i won't regret at all no matter what.

Right now, i am just going to save money and targeting for my Note2 to be born ASAP! I wanna use my phone money to buy and not depending on others! Well, it is time to plan for my future already. I can't go on like this. You may think that i had changed but thanks to you and now i really got the "ädult thinking". But don't worry, i still know my limit and what i am doing.


Today, went to JB City Square with mum, bro and his gf. Manage to buy 2 shirt and a skirt with my bro paying. YAY! At first, didn't want to buy. But in the end, i still get it at the very last min. Went to KTV once again. But this time i am not really in the mood. I got no reason but i just feel that something had been bothering me in my heart. I can't describe what thing is that. Just NO MOOD.

Had dinner buffet there too. After eating half way, the vomit feeling came again. I am really really afraid that something will happen to my stomach. Now, i am having the vomit feeling and the pain is killing me. WHY!? ): Anyone can just stay by my side and tell me nothing is going to happen? I am really afraid.

I still haven finish enjoying myself in this world yet. My dream had not been fulfill yet. Please don't take me so early, God. I still got a lot of thing not done yet. Please don't.

I am so stress up from school stuff now because exam is on the 6 May yet i haven start my revision and i don't even understand any single thing of the topic. PLEASE HELP ME! ): Boy, please motivate me! ):

S.T.R.E.S.S!

No edit. Iphone 4 camera really sux i know :/

The reason why i choose this special colour shoe for him is because the other colour was too common. But as for ah B, no matter what he wear, in my heart, everything suited him well. Well, this colour really suit the pant he is wearing and the couple bag that we have. (: <3

Happy 2nd Anniversary (:

H.A.P.P.Y 2.N.D A.N.N.I.V.E.R.S.A.R.Y !!

After so long, it finally arrive! It is not easy to come this far at all! In this relationship, I had learnt alot of thing. I am stubborn by still holding on to it without giving up even though it is hurtful.

Firstly, I want to thanks all those friend around me who keep on helping me and cheering me up when I am down, supporting whatever choice I made. Though the choice I made is abit weird.. Seriously, thanks alot! You people make me feel me actually there is friend who still care for me! <3

Although everything seem to be fine now. But I am really really afraid that it will happen again. I got no confident in myself now but I am going to build it up slowly. I am so scare that all this was just a dream and after I wake up, everything will be gone again.. I really got no idea why I am so afraid of it right now. Please tell me, it won't happen again, will you?

How did we celebrate?
Hmm, didn't really plan alot for it because we are on budget. So ended up, we went to chomp chomp to eat BBQ stingray! Totally miss the food there! I remember when the previous time I ate, all the food gone to toilet bowl. Finally, I had chomp chomp food in my stomach! Yay!

After chomp chomp, we went to a small shopping centre nearby to take a good view of the moon! It was so near, so round and so bright! That can only be seen when we are together. Totally in love with the moon last night! Every month we had a different topic too. And this month, the topic was gwiyomi! (:

And then, how can we missed out the dessert after dinner right! So, we went to hongkong dessert. Forgotten the shop name ): It was at amk hub! Yum yum! All time favorite, Mango sago! <3 <3

Finally, going back home after that. Being random, thinking of something to had fun. I know it is abit lame but it is fun!

Time had pass so fast. I really wish that everything will remind the same now. I really hope that your heart is back to me ! I just don't know how is the feeling now. It seem real and fake. But I still want you to be happy with me.

Hope you enjoy yesterday ah B ! <3

Happy Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY 6 YEARS OF BEST FRIEND, LYNN TAY

AND 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY CCHY SON, OH YONG XIANG

This is the Super best friend that i ever had in CCHY from sec 2. Though we had some conflict during sec 5, but now we are back again! The girl who support me and keep me accompany when something had happened and also cheering me up everytime when i am down. Thanks girl, loveya! :D Until now, i haven wish her Happy Birthday yet. :X Because i told her that i wanna be the last (:

And this is my son in CCHY! Though our age is like a year different but still, we are really enjoying ourselves after school and had a lot of fun. He will always give me kuku face to make me laugh. Really misses their class a lot. He might be a joker but he is really a good friend to be with when not in the mood. :D

 Last but not least, thanks to this person: Han Wen. For guiding me so much when i approach him something. Thanks for letting me know that at least i still got a friend like you. You teach me to look forward and I DID THAT! Really thanks a lot, if not i think i could have breakdown or even not in this world already. Though i had a short time talking to you. But, Thanks for sparing me your precious time (: 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got no idea why i am doing dedication now. But i really want to thanks those people in my life and i thanks god for giving me a chance to meet such a good friend. I hope i am not too late to realize now. That's all about friend. But for family, i really don't know what to say.

I just remembered that i skip yesterday post? Because i was too tired and i got no idea what to post. So, LET SKIP IT! 

School was as usual. No different from other day since year 2 started. Seriously, NO COMMENT. Sometimes really can't stand being attitude by people for no reason. I feel i am too innocent. Oops, haha! Maybe you should really change your attitude lah! If not, it is going to be very difficult for you and me! Oh well, do you think that she really treat you as best friend? HAHAHA! THE ANSWER IS NO! You won't even know what people speak behind you. But this is life, it is their mouth, so let them speak all they want! 

Though sometimes those word really hurtful but what can you do? Why not just ignore and move forwards? Guess i shouldn't say anything about school today. 

Tomorrow is the 25th of April. So it is the SECOND ANNIVERSARY WITH LOVE!!!!!! 

This day had finally arrive. But i guess we are not going to any big restaurant or what. Just a simple one and i will be happy enough. Because i had spend all my money on the gift. ): Broke girl. But it's okay. You love it and i will be very happy already. (: I am just too happy for today. I really hope that everyday will be like that and not like the past 3 weeks. 

At least i did the right thing by holding on and not giving up so easily and i get back what i want. It is not easy to hold on. But, you won't know if you never try (: 

FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT!

*Not that fighting ah!*

Unwell

Third week of school and 2 more week to go before CA1 started again. Stress so much now with all the theory but i am still not doing my revision now. Because i really don't have the motivation to do at all! My motivation had gone, because my motivator had gone.

Oh well, it is night now and i just had the mood right now to continue my writing. Ended school at 12+ and ended up didn't took any nap at all. Because i was not having the feel of napping at home plus i was watching crayon shinchan! I know it is abit lame uh! But, that's me now!! HAHAHAH!

For no reason, i don't know why i feel like vomiting since yesterday. No matter i got eat or never eat, i just feel like vomiting. My appetite had been changing and changing. Just like today morning, ordered a Ayam Penyet from Indonesia stall at central delight. And i only ate 1 quarter of the food. Wastage! But I really don't know why! Appetite gone suddenly. I am so afraid now. But it is my own problem, my fault for ,aking it happen if really. -HOPE NOT!-

I really can't believe what i had just done yesterday! Gwiyomi video and posted in on youtube but private. If it is me from the last time, i think i won't even do it at all! But who ask our mindset to be changed completely that's why i dare to do and you are so shy to do!

Hah, remembering how shy i am last time but now i am like so open. Who knows i will show the video to public one day right! HAHAHAH! JUST WAIT UH!

Had a budget planning done today. Got to get something important this week, pay my class fund ($35). So, i will be broke this week. After next week onward, it is time to save for my Note2/S4 and a hard disk for my lappy to save all my precious photos and stuff..

Shall stop posting now. Those feeling getting more and more worse now.
Goodbye and wait for tomorrow maybe?

Sunday

What is Sunday?

I remembering always telling you that Sunday is our day when we will be together, our family day. I really wish that it came true. How i wish everything is just a test now or it is me who is dreaming of everything now and i can't wake from the dream.

Today is the 21th April. It is just 4 more days. So, I really don't know the plan.
Actually, I had planned to go Hotel to had dinner there. But now, I really don't know. From a very big plan, i had changed to a much more smaller plan. Which is just a simple meal and movie. And this is the thing that i never tell you. Because i am afraid of being rejected on this day! Just like what had happened last year.

I am stubborn, that's why i am still holding on so tight. I never choose Give up! Because give up is not in my dictionary. I know it is very hard for me when i choose not to give up. But what can i do? I only can do my best and fight for it!

From the day we together until now, it is not a short period of time. That's why i won't let our effort be flash away by the drain. NO! Seriously, i hope that you will hold on with me now. I really hope you will.

I know time is always stopping us from things. But who say have relationship cannot do other thing also? Time is what we needed to find our own. I don't need all your time now but i only need some of your time. Just like in the past, we still can do whatever thing we want to do. I had learnt my lesson of having you everytime and that's make you feel like i am not giving you your freedom. So now, just a short time will do.

I just simply miss you. I wished that everyday was yesterday because i need a shoulder and a hand to make me warm. Why is everything so difficult.

Well now, i can see how i am like in the past from you because you are me now! If i can do it, WHY CAN'T YOU?
You will never know if you never try!

I got a super big challenge now whether i should do what i did on 26 Feb. I wonder if it will turn back good or will it be worse. It is really a BIG BET for me if i am going to take the challenge. I really dont know if i should do that. PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!


Edited.
I really got no idea why. I am so in the no mood now and so freaking sad. I know I shouldn't look forward to this coming Thursday. Why must I keep lying to myself? To you, I guess it is totally nothing now. But to me, it has! I had been putting too much effort that no one can see at all. I feel that I am so useless.

Being a human to me is such a failure thing in this world. At this moment, I just feel like doing something I should not do.

Wild wild wet with Love

KO at 10PM yesterday and today 7am auto wake up without any alarm cuz i was having some really sweet dream. Meet Love at 9+am and went to Northpoint Subway to had our breakfast and after that process to the wild the wild the wild the wet, THE WILD WILD WET!

On the way there, i was looking at the sky. Because it is so beautiful that i really hope next time when i passed away, i will go up to the heaven. I like the big big wind from the top and also the nice nice cloud in the air.

It had been 1 years 10 month since we last go there because the last time we went there was May 2011. It was like just 2 weeks after we had been together. I could remember every single tiny things that happen for the whole day on that time. Because that was all the "first" that happened. A real love experience after my 16 years old of life.

Today as usual, went to the lazy pool first. Compared with that time and now, that time had a special moment. I remember we were in the double float and you lie on my leg. Well, it is really special right? Remembering the last time, i was always scare of playing this scare of playing that. But now, I AM NO LONGER SCARE OF IT! Because i feel that i am much more brave now!

Right now, i am just changing to a special girl.
- Be more brave
- Be strong
- Save more money
- Be who i am
- Slim down
- Be more flexible
- Be more cheerful

Well, i feel like i am positive now compared to last time. But you had change to more negative.

Hmm, when we are on the way back to take Bus 39 from pasir ris around 5pm, guess what i saw? I SAW MOON! I love moon a lot okay! Was too tired and ended up KO in the bus. I just hope that everyday is just like the same as today. Just a simple hand for me, i am already very happy.

I am no energy to function my brain already. So, let the picture do the job.

This was the first time when we go WWW together. Time passes so fast like no one can predict too. From the picture, you can also see that it is taken near HDB flat. Yeah, this was taken from a playground at our new build houses there. Playground related like how we met each other 12/13 years ago.

It was the sun effect. Both of us really look abit weird in this pictures :X

Subway, EAT FRESH! It had been a super long time since i last ate. Because i forever can't finish a 6-inch bread. >.<

The reason why i choose 254 for our locker. It represent our anniversary. Just that it is without the 0. For the first time, so lucky to have this number. Perhaps it is all fate that we didn't know.

It had been real long since we had last taken picture together already. I really miss that! Well, i totally enjoy my day with love today. Though it is abit tiring. But I LIKE IT! Hope you like it too ;)

WWW flooring had cause my leg to become like that. Become it is too rough ): Yes, it is bleeding and super pain now! But, got to tolerate with it!

Last but not least, a picture of me before going out. Just wanna be happy for the day. 

Shall stop posting now and going to do mask before i sleep. BECAUSE MY FACE IS BURNING ): ):  How am i suppose to sleep tonight???? ):

Moon

What is it about the moon that I really like? Hmm, I like because it has a very special meaning.

There is only 1 moon in the sky. Also the same meaning that there is only 1 person that you really love and want to spend with in your life. The moon accompany by the star during the night just like how parent accompany their children.

Sometimes the moon is bright but sometime you won't even get to see it at all! It is because moon Is also same as us. They have their mood too. When it comes to happy thing, the moon was be as bright and also having a nice shape to keep you accompanied ! But when there is sad thing, you won't be able to see the moon at all because it is covered by those clouds.

The reason why I enjoy seeing the moon so much is because of the love that I always got in the past. I remember there was 1 time when I wanna see eclipse and therefore, the person in my life that I really love, use his wife(bicycle) to cycle me to reservoir and wait for eclipse. Remember how simple and easy it is to have the happiness. It need times to wait for eclipse too. And we were sitting at reservoir and taking random pictures. It was so cool and at that moment, I am really very happy. The wife that used to cycle me all around the place near Yishun. But it is gone due to some stupid people who had stolen it. Miss those moment...
I will never forget about the moon because it was always used for a goodnight msg as well. As I say, everything is related.

Whenever I see the moon at night, I will just wonder if you are seeing it or does it reminds you of me. I hope it does. I could also remember that when I am always alone, the moon is very blur and covered by cloud because you were not beside me. But when you are beside me, the moon will be as big and bright and shining.

I still remember when was the last day we see the bright and shine moon together. That was the first time when I started creating and posting in this blog.
This post, all about moon because I am missing all the things. Everything was deeply inside my heart because I really care and i still trust you.


Today, alone in school. Because M was absent and luckily i got 2 of my ex-classmate to accompany me. S&W for today was fun and it makes me interact with most of the new classmate. Was quite happy. Captain ball with Bjorn (Chris's cousin) class. Lose because our class just know each other and there is really no teamwork!! I really miss IQE a lot! ):

Went to meet friend after school and had my breakfast + Lunch + Dinner. For the whole day i only had 1 meal.

Like what I had posted on my twitter. "The positive you had gone negative but the negative me had gone positive. I would rather stay negative and want you to be more positive." and "You are me in the past, and i am you in the past."

Well, this is the facts. If i got the chance, i will choose to be like that past when i am still myself and you are still yourself.

Loner.

Well to me now, I really feel like a loner.

Reason: No one will accompany me to go out when i wanted to. Really wonder friends around me who is real and who is fake. I know sometimes really got something holding you up. So, can't blame anyone too. Only can blame myself for not being independent enough.. But what can i do? That's me, my character.

Actually, i have been looking forwards to this Sat until i just double confirmed and seem like you can't make it or should i say you don't want to go at all? Well, I don't know.. So, shouldn't say more about it since i dont  know the real reason.

Well, i like yesterday a lot more because of the message. But still, it won't last. And it also seem to be hot and down.

Hmmm, waiting for miracle to happen. Will it happen? I hope it really will! Because i really love. Maybe now is the time problem. Hopefully everything will turn back like the past.

Yesterday night when eating, suddenly memories flash back on the days when we are all young and we will be at the playground playing until mid-night. All the usual friend, playing our childhood games and a lot of stuff. Remember all the fun that we had together and also missing all the good moment.

At such moment, i hoped that time will rewind to childhood time when we can just enjoy ourself playing without any worries and also treasure all those moment.

I know i am slow but still, i will still say. I know that recently, Boston had a guy that just missed the chance of proposing to his gf because of the bomb that happened too suddenly. Well, that taught me to treasure and cherish more about the people i want to treasure. However, he is not giving me a chance to do so.

Life is unpredictable and you won't know what will happened next moment. It could be that at next moment, something will happen to this world and you won't even know. So, why not just start treasuring since you are not the god that can predict everything?

Though life really sux now no matter in school or at home but what can i do? There is no way to change it unless the god that change the fate.

Hopefully everything will turn back to normal soon....

Give me everything

Now playing: Give me everything.

I really hope that god will give me everything that i want tonight.

Hmm, school was alright just that i am really getting more and more dislike those people with two-sided face. You don't need to tell me who. But i can see it from my point of view. Well, got to survive in this class for 11 month and 2 week which i really don't like. I don't know why, during year 2 after school reopen, i had been in the sleeping mood whenever it come to lesson because everything is on theory! That's why i really dislike it and feel bored about it. But i know i can't give up. Well, this is what you teaches me! NEVER GIVE UP!

School end at 5PM today. That's why i don't really like Wednesday even though i start school at 10AM. School was boring and it making me don't feel like going everyday. I have lost my motivation in studies because my motivator is gone.

Saying about motivator, i am very hesitate if i should join NDP this year. But it is quite tiring larh. So, it is really bothering about me now! Well, i really miss all my friend there but what i don't like is waking up every Saturday early in the morning and have to suffer under the hot sun. It is really tiring though it is fun!

Today, end school come home, change and go RUNNING! I know it is abit unbelievable but i really did that. Going to start training my stamina soon. It is so sux now! ): Yes, I CAN DO IT! Firstly, was thinking of if i should run Yishun park or lower seletar. But in the end, i went to Yishun Park. Right now, i just feel that my muscle are all cramped together. I am so weak now ):

Well, mood was quite good now because i receive your msg. <3

Fuck up life

WHAT DID I DO WRONG THAT GOD IS PUNISHING ME NOW?

Now is just 2013 April.. Firstly, the boy left me! But now what?!!!!! Every people in this family is finding me problem!! I really had enough for this family!!! They are just fucking inconsiderate and not thinking for other people!! Their mindset is forever MONEY MONEY MONEY! Why not your just kill me and burn a lot of money to me then i give you all dream of 4D number? SERIOUSLY, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! 

Taking my daily allowance also wrong? Then tell me what is right? Your can spend all those money on useless thing. WHY CAN'T I? I spending on what i need! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL THINKING!! AM I YOUR DAUGHTER ANOT!!! 

At this moment, i just feel like settle my life!! I seem to be a trouble, a burden to EVERYONE IN MY LIFE! To those friend that cares about me, I AM TRULY SORRY. 

They are just too much! AND I JUST SAY I WILL BE INDEPENDENT AND STOP TAKING ANY ALLOWANCE FROM TOMORROW! From now on, i am just like a strayed dog and cat! 

Everything is my fault! No money also my fault! Seriously, WHY CAN'T THEY THINK? 

Just treat me invisible everyone. I really had enough of all this bull shit thingy! 

This family mindset is all MONEY! WHY I AM NOT BORN RICH? WHY ARE YOUR SO IMMATURE? 

Why am i not deaf or mute? WHY WHY WHY! WHY IS EVERYONE DOING THIS TYPE OF THING TO ME!!!!!! 

FUCK MY LIFE! 

This shall be my only pissed off post. After this, thats it! I am tired of everything already... Just came back from school and not even stepping into the house, your started to yell at me! You call yourself a parent? YOU FAIL THEN! One who lend money already, wont return and still pushing all the blame to me!  

SC

Student council had become part of my life now with the fun people and mad people around. Firstly, was this CCA and enrichment head that i get along with recently. She might be fierce but she is a good person that i really like. Those fun and laughter that we had together. *Hidden joke*

Slowly, i get along well with my group people. Which i am quite happy because they are really mad sometimes. I really love this group a lot.

Today was another meeting with them about our event and i realize that we do have a lot of teamwork. We might be very mad at sometimes cracking joke but when come to work, we are very serious.


Was too depressed yesterday as i am really tired and sleepy. So, there goes my emotion again..

I know i have been saying that i want to let go, but frankly speaking, it is too hard for me.

This 2 days, it is very tough for me because everyone was asking and asking. I really got no idea what to say. I don't want to change the imagine of other people too. So, in the end i never say much thing. I was really sad when people asked. But what can i do? There is nothing that i can do but to be myself. I have almost break down this few days. But, no one i can blame. Because i fail as a girlfriend and also fail in everything else. I want to be strong and i got to be strong!

Well, my friend just ask me why am i so emo in the meeting. Guess what's my answer? My answer was a lot of memories came into my brain suddenly and i got no way to stop thinking. Well, my heart is not really in the meeting today..

After meeting, went to amk hub to have ajisen ramen with Alena and Leonard. Well, same usual thing happened again. But got to pretend to be happy. But still, i enjoy my day with them.

Heard Alena talking about her complicated family problem. Yes, it is damn complicated but she is really a strong girl. Got to learn from her !

Jiayou Elaine!

Different

No one will know what will happen next second. Is either you treasure it or you let go and let the other person heartache and leaving pain to the person.

This is the longest relationship i had so fast. Yes, you say your saying will never changed. But this is what i got in the end. I really can't believe that you are not even sad at all! It is not easy to overcome those pain. Be frankly, i still cannot forget. But, what can i do? I got no more energy for anything at all now. It is too pain and i realize that i really cannot take it.

During this period, i do break down and cried at a corner where no one is. Because i don't want anyone to know. Or perhaps people will get very surprise by this thing. Although sometimes i cheated my own feeling telling other people that i am fine but actually i am not. I asked people to look at positive side. But to me, i can't. Because it is too pain, too pain for me to take it.

A lot of people told me that i will gain something when i lose something. But what did i gain? Is it the pain that i am suppose to gain? I can't forget how much i have been given in and how much effort i have put in. But why can't you see and feel?

Loving a person is easy but forgetting is always difficult. But can you feel what i am feeling now?

I know i am very very positive now sometime to cover my sadness. But how long can i do? I guess one day i will break down totally.

Everything is just so hard for me now. Because i have to hide everything that is happening now and trying my best to forget all these pain. I am just a normal person and not a person that can take everything.

I am very different from other people... You can say that i really need you a lot. Because i trusted forever. But now, NO!


Well, today went to sao mu. I thought i can forget everything. But no, was in the lorry and they drove pass all the places that we had been before. And that also means that, MEMORIES! Yes, all the memories that made me emo in the end and giving a fake smile.

I realized i am very fake now.. I don't feel that i am myself now. I feel that i am just a ball now. Being kicking here and there. When can this exactly come to an end?






I just wanna find a place to hide myself, hide my feeling, hide my tears...



Just happened to saw something. Hmm, I get it what is relationship.. Relationship dont have to be with the person for 24/7. Although, sometimes i really hope to have a guy that will be with me for 24/7. I was wrong in that thinking. This is the biggest mistake that i had ever made. In relationship, what i needed is the trust and time. But to me now, i dont know what is happening. :/

Busy

School had reopen for a week and everything was fine.

Starting from Thursday, i have been going home very late. Firstly, SC meeting. After SC meeting finish, Reach home around 8+ and slept at 9. While, this is the earliest timing i have slept. But still, i wake up at 1+ to text. As usual.

Friday, lesson as usual started at 8AM. This few days i have been walking to Yishun Interchange. Don't feel like taking bus. Because there is a lot of memories. But good thing is, doing a morning exercise by walking to take train is quite good also. So, no regret for doing. School was alright. After school, train to my temple straight away. As usual, event day again.

Yes, make myself busy by keep asking people if they need help. And my 3/4 of the day was spend there.

Sat, which is just now. Went there to help out for dinner and yes, get to know new friend. This was special. This person take fish for me. Okay, good person. But still, .............. So tired. Tomorrow got to wake up early super early.

This is just a summary of this 3 days. Because i am too tired now..

I had decided to changed last few days ago.
Hmm, i am going to become the me who everyone dote alot and be their happy pill like how i always did last time.
As for my attitude, it is not that bad as before anymore. Well, all i can say is i really change alot.

Well, now disturbing people. If i slim down, the person is going to reward me! HAAHAH! YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE ME! :D Slimming down is always what i want to do. So, i am doing now larh. Not going for any unhealthy slimming.


For myself, i feel that i am losing the feeling of being love already. Really miss the feeling............
Wondering if it will come back ?

-FAULT-

Well, i am backing posting. Wanted to post everyday but in the end i never. It is because my emotion was quite low for the last few days and i was really sick and tired.

Ever since school reopen and i am at the new class, i really dislike it and feel weird because of the people. Hmm, i don't really like it. I still miss my year 1 classmate a lot even though we are not that close. I am really afraid that i won't be able to survive at this new class, new life. Saying is very easy, but when come to action, it is very difficult!

Today was the CCA road show for april intake student. Everything went well except for a little part at the end of the roadshow. As i choose to ushering the panda, M choose other duty. It was so tiring walking around the school holding the panda but you are just sitting over there doing nothing and using your phone. But, you never thought how tough and tired we are. Just a short break at SAC and ended up coming down being attitude by you. I don't think i am in the wrong. Everyone have their duty also. But you are blaming the fault on me. WhAT IS THIS?

Everything is not fair to me. WHY WHY WHY! I really don't know what to say. As a lot of people told me that, if i lost 1 thing, i will earn 1 thing. BUT WHAT DID I GAIN? I am in the deep pain everyday in my heart and keep trusting your words when i know i shouldn't be trusting anymore! I really got no idea what are you doing behind my back.

It is really very hurt. But why can't you know? You seem to be avoiding everytime. What can i really do so that it will be good for both of us?

Alright, i am going to save money and change myself for the best now.

Firstly, i will start with my clothing first. Slowly, it will be from face to toe. But before everything, GIVE ME A REWARD FOR BEING ABLE TO CONTROL AND PRODUCE A GOOD ATTITUDE NOW!

Well, you can't see the changes. I guess it is so hard to communicate with you now. And i really got no idea how to change all this........


GOD, PLEASE BE GOOD TO ME AND FULFILL MY WISH THAT I HAD WISHED ON 11:11 !! I PLEASE YOU! YOU CAN EXCHANGE MY WISH WITH 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE!!!!!!! 


As i mention that today was roadshow day, and i end school quite late also. And i rushed down to Plaza Sing to wait for Le Family to come to go for a buffet dinner at One Market. Found the staff there interesting and friendly. Got the feeling of working there. I guess i will work there one day! HAHA! Rushed down to Plaza Sing but there are all late and still at the train. I really dislike to wait. But no choice, so i went walking around first. Hmm, a wrong choice made.. Because of those memories that are in Plaza Sing. Well, we made our ring there and also not forgetting the favourite SECRET RECIPE and also a lot of thing there. Sigh.

#10 MOE Excel Fest 2013 Day 2

NINETEEN MORE DAYS!!

Well,  I guess that there are some people who knows about my this blog already. Quite surprise how they found it.

Let's talk about day 2 of MOE Excel Fest. Today duty start at 1pm and ended at 6pm. Was quite tiring today as my partner and i were in the different location. So, cannot go slack and time really pass very slow. I was wondering if i can stand until the event over. AND YES, I DID IT! Was ushering at the entrance. But in the end, i was walking around the whole school alone and ended up going up to the 4th floor and my yesterday partner was there. Slack at there for awhile too. And was thinking why the planner plan until so SUX! Because the 4th floor need more people than the entrance! So in the end, i choose to stay at the 4th floor. It was tiring. But for no idea, i went to take a look at the booth near there when the person there have left the place and I FOUND A CHAIR there! Somemore standing there is much more better than standing in the middle of the place like a stupid -.-

Thanks Mr Teo, the second in-charge who got us sweet drink. Yeah!

Just before the event is going to finish, my yesterday partner and us just went to the hall to walk walk and hack care! LOL! WE ARE THE SLACKER PARTNER! After walking 1 round of the exhibition hall, there is still a time left before we assemble. So, we walked to the entrance to get our usher to slack together. I know we are very very bad! And we also prank 1 of the usher. Lame i know.

On the way back to our reporting place, i was damn pissed off because of those FLIRTY GUY from SC too, was damn irritating and keep flirting me. IRRITATED!! I nearly gone crazy! Shall not mention them seriously!! If i am one of the Exco from SC, I WILL NOT RECRUIT THEM TO BE MEMBER!!

After debrief, some of us went for dinner together at Koufu. Right now i am very scare of Koufu food already! Because i feel that i got food poisoning after eating it just now! Was feeling damn unwell now and somemore vomited all the food out! Right now having bad headache.

ahLove is in KL now and i miss him a lot. Hopefully he is enjoying himself there and having a lot of fun! Love this boy in my heart!

#9 MOE ExCEL Fest 2013 Day 1

TWENTY MORE DAYS

Back posting once again. Hmm,  wake up as usual as the school timing as i got to reach school at 8am for the event. I am early for school but i can't find the class. So, I AM LATE :X But once i reach i heard something. The good news is WE WILL BE PAID FOR THIS EVENT! (= Follow by the briefing......

Got our human traffic location and time to smile. I was feeling happy when stranger like other school teacher came because they are really friendly and smile to me. Of course i am not that unsociable. I GOT SMILE BACK HOR!!! For no reason, I am really happy when they smile at me. I feel like i am the important person of the day because i was located at the ENTRANCE! Therefore, must really smile to the visitor.

Not far away was a guy name Zhi Wei (if i never remember  wrongly). He was my best slacker partner for the whole day. Slacking all the way with me for 2 and a half hours. Well, we just walked around and helping people with the location they wanted to go instead of standing at a spot like a wooden block. I know we are smart. We helped out the others to give out flyers too.

Was quite boring at first because I DON'T KNOW EVERYONE OF THEM!! So, was thinking if i will be a loner at first. But in the end, NO! There is this guy Zhi Wei, he was damn quite and shy. Abit difficult to communicate with him but no choice i got to start the topic. But i spend half of the time playing candy crush too! I know i very slack. YET there is a $5/hour pay given to us for this 2 day! So total will early $50 for this slack event. Though i am really tired, it really kill my time a lot.

My first day of school in less than 1 hour, NTUC is going to earn my money for buying sushi again! No choice as i am hungry and I REALLY MISS AND LIKE SUSHI!

The crowd was not as i expected. Not really a lot of people. But tomorrow, i guess it will be a lot of people because it is open for public?

As i say, a pay of $50. I am going to save it and GET SOMETHING SPECIAL! It is a SECRET! So, cannot tell. Wait slowly i will post it out. I really can't wait for school to reopen so that my allowance will come back to me.

Before i save for my hard disk and note2 or maybe S4, I GOT SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT TO GET! S.E.C.R.E.T! :P

ahLove is going to KL with his lion dance group mate later at night. I know i will miss him a lot. Enjoy yourself and have a lot of fun ahLove. It is time for you to have fun again.

Seeing ahLove and facebook friend that always go overseas really make me very jealous! Because i don't have any single chance to go at all because of my old fashion parent. Sigh. Event 2 day of chalet also cannot already! Why is my life like that? I am already eighteen and a half years old! I AM NOT A CHILD ANYMORE!!!! Life in Singapore is so stressful. I hope i can go other countries to relax without anyone knowing who i am. Because i know some counties, you can shout as out as you want and it is COMMON! But in Singapore, people will think "SIAO AH THIS PERSON".

I really wonder what is ahLove dream. Because he don't want to tell me at all ! ):

#8 Day out with ah Love

TWENTY ONE MORE DAYS

This is a very late posting. So, must faster post finish and GO TO BED! So tired, but tomorrow have to go back to school for MOE event thingy. Just go to waste my time there but WHY IS IT SO EARLY!!! 

Back to today, actually meeting ahLove at 10AM but in the end, it was dragged to 12+PM! I know damn late right!! Our plan was to go wild wild wet as ahLove got the WWW voucher for chalet thingy. In the end, we are like dragging and ended up only start to go take bus 39 at 1+PM. Bus ride was always fast when there is ahLove. As usual, walked there.

Basically, we reach Downtown East around 2pm. But the sky was damn BLACK! SOON, IT RAINED! How awesome right! So in the end, BYE BYE WWW! Next time then... So, in order not to make it a wasted trip plus somemore raining cannot go back, and we went to BOWLING! The lousy ahLove that always lose to me! But i don't know he purposely or what.

Two match of game each and it was still early BUT IT WAS POURING HEAVILY OUTSIDE! Therefore, we choose to watch movie. A movie that i wanted to watch a lot, The Croods. Awesome show that make the both of us HAPPY! It had been a thousand year since we last watch cartoon show.

It was so freezing after we had come out of the cinema. I can remember the coldness! It is like snow had just fall. I know my thought is too WONDERFUL right! Okay, lame i know! And finally, we are walking back to where we are suppose to go. As it is like peaked hour timing, bus 39 was very crowded. So, no seats for us and we got to stand until we reach Yishun. BUT come to worse, there was a accident that happened when we are on the way back. So, it was damn slow and the lousy me that cannot stand the bus smell, had gone giddy. I know i am super lousy! But no choice. I don't like transport that keep braking. IT IS IRRITATING!

Before going back to ahLove house, i asked him to go to take a passport photo size picture as THIS IS THE LAST DAY HE IS KEEPING HIS GOLDEN HAIR! OHMYGOD, I MISS IT MANZXC! Okay, i totally like ahLove hair colour a lot. But too bad, school reopen this coming Monday. SO, BYEBYE HANDSOME GOLDEN HAIR ):

The hot and sticky me went to shower first before accompanying ahLove to cut his hair. After that, it is my job to dye back ahLove hair to nature black ): But it's okay. No matter what colour, he is still the same handsome guy in my HEART! His house, my favourite. I know i am very weird right! Got my own house yet it is not my favourite house. But no choice. His house got the warm feeling, and a feeling to make me sleepy all the time.

For no reason, i am speaking rubbish again. I know i shouldn't. I know i am really very stupid. Because i always say thing that i don't dare to do. Very stupid right? I was just feeling really very stress. Like i had told ahLove just now. Definitely, I won't like this sudden attack. It is really painful and hurts. But what to do? It is all the dumb me, my dumb action and my dumb speaking.

Really hope that i got a time machine to rewind the time and so there won't be a hole on it. I want to cover the hole a lot. PLEASE, give me the chance.

Well, panda eyes is out once again because of lack of sleep. Yesterday was a really nightmare for me and i can't even sleep for the whole night. The action that i do, had come to my dream repeatedly. Not going to say so much about it. I was frighten by the sudden attack. This is all i can say.

That is my biggest dream that you had know. I really want it to come true and i want the person to be you, my dear ahLove. Road is still long, many thing can happen. But will you hold my hand forever and just a word to me saying "Don't be afraid, I will be always beside you."
Actually i wonder if you see all this thing...................................................................

I just wanna say I LOVE YOU, my dear ahLove. 

#7 Elaineisdead

I am dead, totally dead. I may be alive but what you will see on my face will be just a sad face. From this moment, I can't smile anymore...

This is a very very big attack to me. Almost out of breath just now. What is just now I am really out of breath and let it end my life? Will it be better for everyone?

Since I am a big trouble to everyone. Anytime, any day IT IS GOING TO BE MY END DAY! Of course I am not going to tell anyone about it.

#6 Tw0-sided face

TWENTY TWO MORE DAYS!

Yesterday night went to somerset just too see ah Love and to accompany him back. While waiting, i was texting my cousin Wanci and i really know a lot of things and understand a lot of things.
Firstly, she asked me if i have any bestie that i can talk to when i am down. But my answer to her is NO. Reason: Because i really don't know who i can trust and who is my real friend. Those friend around me seem to be very fake. So, i am basically a LONER!

Was texting her regarding relationship. Seriously, her bf got a very very sweet smile to attract girls! But not to me. Heard from her that her bf is also so-called very popular in his uni now. Handsome guy are all attached. SO GIRL OUT THERE, STOP FLIRTING! Oh well, this cousin of mine has the same thought as me! Yeah, both of us really don't like guys of FLIRT! Therefore, i strongly those guys who are flirt to GET THEIR OWN LIFE MANZXC! Not only guy flirt but sometimes girl flirt too. Well, LIFE IS LIKE THAT!

The topic two-sided face also came from my cousin. She told me that workforce always have 2-sided face. Hmm, all i can say about 2-sided face is that THEY ARE REALLY SCARY! Because they will back-stabbed you anytime! SIGHHHHHH!!! WHY THIS WORLD SO MANY TYPE OF PEOPLE? Why can't it be just simple and happy people?

Sigh, 4 more days to school reopen. Stay at home also boring. Go school also stress and lonely. But what can i do?

Not going to post so long today. Don't have the mood for posting now! KTHXBYE!

#5 Memories

TWENTY THREE MORE DAYS! 

For this post, i just want to talk about my relationship. 

As i had mention before how i meet ah Love. And now, i want to blog about how we started. 

Just because ah Love stay just opposite, so it is quite convenience to ask him to accompany me out for shopping. I remember we had lost contact for about 5-6 years? Although we stay near, but i seldom see him too. Until i went to a TPY temple and saw him again which is around year 2010 during Oct? And i started to ask him to come find me after his lion dance. AND YES, HE DID! VERY SURPRISE LARHHHH!! 

That was our very first met after so long and slowly, i asked him accompany me to Orchard to take photos of the Christmas Lighting after i ended my work and YES HE DID IT AGAIN! At that time, i remember i was really shy because we never go out before and this is the very first time! And slowly, i always find excuses to meet him out. I also remember there was a time when i ask you to come my house and i teaches you how to fold straw hearts.

During 2011, first day of Chinese New Year, i remember i was very boring at home as i don't really get along with my cousin and ended up, i texted you and you were coming back from lion dance. So, in the end you are the one who accompany me, chatting with me and making me happy.

Another time was when i am very boring at home. Therefore, i ask you to go reservoir. AND YESSSSS! We went there together too! And that was when Feb 2011 i think. I could remember what we are talking over there and also you lent me your shoulder to lean on when i am tired and i fall asleep right on your shoulder. And also not forgetting sometimes we do went to safra for pool.

 

The last time before we are together as best friend/ Childhood friend was 24 April 2011. I remember you accompany me to Serangoon Nex to design a cake for Lynn as it is her birthday. I am happy that you never reject me and went with me even though you are busy. After making cake, we went to find present together and then i went home and you went to do your thing. And at night, you even accompany me to Lynn's house to surprise her with the card. And after we reach home, we were texting each other. I know i shouldn't miss the chances anymore. Therefore, i asked to be together. At first, you were worried that it will affect my studies but when i say NO, your worries are gone and WE ARE TOGETHER! 

During our first start, we really meet very very less. During the first week or second week being together, the first place we went to were actually Wild Wild Wet with Lynn and Hanwen. It is really very fun and my feeling is totally different when it is with you. My heartbeats beat very very first when i am with you. 

And slowly, we went to a lot of different places. Do you remember all the places that we had go before?

Orchard area, KTPH for studying, SEA Aquarium for 2 years of Valentine day, USS on your birthday, TPY sky garden for studying, Siloso beach to ton and also most of the Singapore places that you had bring me go.  I have started to eat a lot of different food from different restaurant after being with you. Restaurant like MBS Skypark for Chocolate Club, Kungfu Paradise, Thai Express and a lot more. This is also my first time getting a ring too <3

There was a period of time whereby i am afraid of stepping into relationship. Because i am afraid of getting hurts once again. But after being with you for a time, i can feel the secure when i am with you. The comfortable feel and you are the one who always make me very very happy. All this moment have been in my heart that i won't even forget at all. 

2012 is really a good year for you and me. But 2013 Jan-Mar is not a good month for us. Will it turn back to 2012 from now on? Miss those sweet talk and the way you are treat me. NOT LIKE NOW! >.<

This picture that shows how much we had changed from the day we are together.